We’ve all been in the following situation before - you meet someone new at an event and strike up a conversation. You make basic introductions and almost immediately move to the “so what do you do?” topic. Around then you’re both assessing whether or not you think the other person could be useful to you in some way.
The person might awkwardly probe to see if you have connections or access to resources they need, and you’re starting to feel a bit used. After all, why would you want to do any favors for this person you just met? The conversation ends with an exchange of business cards or plans to connect later on LinkedIn and “continue the discussion” - which you both know likely won’t ever happen. You move on.
It’s no wonder the term “networking” imbues a slimy, negative feeling. The whole process is awkward, inefficient, and often just feels more like a business transaction than a personal connection. The majority of “networkers” are out there to gain something, to help themselves, to extract value from others. The process can feel like a selfish game; people too often approach networking with a “taker” mindset.
Building a network of close people that you can call on is undoubtedly important - numerous statistics will point out that more than 75% of all opportunities are discovered and landed through connections. But what if I told you that networking didn’t have to be associated with feelings of being “used” and that the entire experience of connecting with people could be a positive one? That already sounds less ominous, doesn’t it?
What if you could dramatically increase the “success” you have “networking” and start uncovering more opportunities and building powerful relationships you never thought you could... and what if all it took was a simple mindset shift?
Let’s take a look.
The Science Behind Networking
1. Networking Is A Lot Like Dating
Think about the last date you went on or romantic relationship you had… how did it start? With an initial interaction - you met the person somewhere. You had an initial conversation. You got to know each other a bit. You talked about your passions and interests.
You certainly didn’t look to see how the person could potentially be “useful” to you. You sought to connect with that person - to find things you have in common, to impress them or to get them to like you.
A relationship which could land the next big job really isn’t that different. Networking relationships should start the same way.
Why? Because...
2. People Like Helping (And Working With) People They Like
That fact is as obvious as any, yet we too often forget it completely when we’re making new professional connections. Want to get someone to help you? First get them to like you. How do you get someone to like you? A good start is by picking up a timeless copy of Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People and reading it cover to cover. But to help you in the short term, here are six key principles to focus on:
Be genuinely interested in the other person.
Smile!
A person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound.
Listen more than you speak.
Talk more about their interests than your own.
Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely!
Of all of those, showing genuine interest in the other person is the best one to remember. Actually care about what they are saying and ask them follow-up questions! Coming across as selfish is a surefire way to turn someone off (professionally or romantically), and “takers” can be spotted from a mile away.
3. You Are More Likely to Help Someone Who Has Helped You
But if you think about your reactions to situations in your life where you’ve been asked for help, this starts to make sense.
Think about a time (or imagine one) when a person you only recently met asked you for a particularly large favor. What was your reaction? Perhaps you were thinking, “I just met you. I’m not willing to go that far out of my way for you.” At the root, your relationship with the person isn’t yet strong enough for big asks. There hasn’t been enough relationship capital built. You might feel that person doesn’t “deserve” your help.
Now imagine a similar situation, except this time with a person who recently made an introduction that helped you land your dream job. What would your reaction be this time? A lot different (hopefully). You feel indebted to the person, even if they never asked you for anything in return. You probably feel like helping them is the least you can do after what they did for you. That person has built “social capital” with you.
4. The Fastest Path To Success Is… Helping Others Succeed First
Yes, this goes contrary to what airlines tell you about securing your air mask before helping others, but it reigns more true than you can imagine (As you started to see from our last example).
When you build social capital, remember that you’re building more than just IOUs. In fact, approaching your interactions with a “matcher” mindset (this for that) is not the recipe for success. While this approach can work, is misses out on two key factors…
1. We don’t always immediately have ways to help each other.
Opportunities arise at random times in random instances. Just because you can’t help someone or they can’t help you right now, doesn’t mean there won’t be the opportunity to do so in the future.
2. People can be easily put off if they feel you are really only helping them to get something in return.
While a “this for that” situation can seem like a “fair” trade, approaching a situation with a “this is what I can do for you...if you can do something for me in return” tone will deter others from wanting to work with you. Think for yourself, have you spotted those types of people in the past? What was your reaction? Are you still in touch with him / her? Do you think of him / her positively?
Instead, try approaching each interaction looking to be a resource to the other person. When you help someone, you’re building goodwill and social capital. But there’s a key distinction to be noted…
Your intention must be genuine. If you have ulterior motives for your actions, people will see right through you. While the interaction may still be positive, you haven’t built any social capital. Rather, you’ve demonstrated that you’re only willing to help if you get something in return. You must build this genuine desire to help others into who you are as a person.
Now you know a bit about the science behind networking and how important adopting a “giver” mentality is. But what’s the secret sauce to becoming a power networker (the good kind)? How do you actually implement what we’re talking about?
Power Networking 101
Understanding the logic behind networking means little if you don’t know how to act on it. Here are actionable insights you can use NOW with all your future networking opportunities.
1. Figure Out How You Can Help By Asking
If you do ONE thing in every new interaction → seek out, and I mean really seek out, ONE way you can help the other person. This won’t always be easy to do, but dig hard and be creative. The easiest way to find out how you can help...ASK! Try a few of these out:
“How can I be a resource for you?”
“What are your goals for the conference?”
“What brought you to the event?”
“What’s the biggest challenge you have right now?”
“What type of people are you trying to connect with?”
Are you reading this thinking “I’ve only recently started my career, there’s no way I can help the much more experienced executives I’m trying to network with”? Wrong! You just need to think outside the box and look for contextual clues. “Contextual clues?” Yes.
Maybe the person mentions they are traveling for work and need to find a sitter for his/her kids or a kennel for the dog. Maybe she mentions recently getting a smartphone and struggling to figure out how to use it. By having an engaging conversation, you’ll uncover what’s happening in that person’s life and where they could use some help. This takes practice, but the more you look, the easier this becomes.
Why is this so important? Because building a bond, helping and getting to know someone is instrumental for future interactions with them. You need to build a baseline to the relationship so they remember you and so you remember them. Have you ever tried to get introduced to someone over LinkedIn only to realize that you have no idea who the person you’re connected to them through is? Yea, it’s annoying.
2. Follow Up And Actually Follow Through
This is a big one. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen and heard about situations where Person A offered to help Person B, Person B got all excited, and then Person A never followed through. When you are Person A, follow these tips:
Be timely. If you made a promise / offer to help, do what you said you’d do and do it quickly. The other person will appreciate your diligence and will remember it if/when you need their help at some point down the road. Set reminders - use your phone or calendar to set reminders to complete your obligations.
Don’t make promises you can’t keep. This should go without saying, but heed this advice carefully!
Deliver in full. Do what you said you’d do, how you said you’d do it, and don’t claw back on what you committed to. Promising a “yacht” and delivering a “row-boat” will make you seem less trustworthy and will ruin your goodwill with the other person.
And when you’re Person B, follow up using these best practices:
Bring up specific points from your conversation. If the person said they would do something by a certain date, mention the specifics. People are more likely to keep their word when they are reminded of what they’ve said. With that in mind...
Don’t accuse!...remind. Taking an accusatory or complaining tone won’t get you anywhere. Instead, remind the person what they committed to. Try saying something to the effect of, “Hi John, you mentioned you’d connect me to your colleague Sarah last week. Checking in to see when you think you’ll have time to introduce me. No rush, I’m sure you’re busy - just didn’t want to let this slip through the cracks.”
3. Don’t Expect Anything In Return
I know I said #2 is a big one, and it is. But this is just as critical. If you really are only doing a favor in order to get something in return, your ulterior motive will show through - and your relationship with the person will weaken significantly. Remember, people like helping people they like - and no one likes people who only want something from them.
WHY NOT?
When your motives are clearly about yourself, other people won’t help you beyond how much you’ve helped them. Your relationship will be a transactional one, which will never compare to a personal relationship built on trust and benevolence.
Further, when people feel that you helped them genuinely and without expectation of getting anything back, they’ll not only be more willing to offer you help in the future, they’ll want to! You’re building social capital that can endure for a long, long time.
Think about it like this: if someone helped you out by driving you to the airport in a pinch, but then asked you for $20 for their time, how would you feel? When they needed a favor at some point in the future, would you feel compelled to help? What about the person who drove you to the airport and refused your offer for gas money, saying they are just glad they were able to help you out? I’m guessing you’d be compelled to help them out next time they were in a pinch.
In summary: ditch ALL taker tendencies you may have. Suppress them wholly and completely.
4. Look To Be A Super-Connector
A great way to build strong relationships is by connecting people within your network to each other. Introductions create a glue between you and the two people. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve introduced to each other that since became great friends or business partners and who, whenever we’re all together, always seem to bring up how I’m the reason they know each other.
We all have people we know who just seem to know everyone. When you need an introduction, they’re often one of the first people you think of to ask. They’re super-connectors. And you should get to know as many of these type of people as you can. The opportunities this 5% of the population can provide are equal to or more than what the 95% of everyone else can… they’re that influential.
Not only should you get to know super-connectors, you should strive to be one. The more people you connect to each other within your network, the more you position yourself at the center of your network of friends. The closer you are to the center, the more opportunity will seem to find you. Connect people wherever you can - the fit doesn’t have to be perfect as long as it’s mutually beneficial for both parties. People naturally gravitate towards super-connectors, and you can build your reputation as a person to know.
5. Always Have Conversation Topics in Your Back Pocket
There’s nothing more awkward than a conversation running dry. Some people are natural conversationalists, others aren’t. So how do you keep the conversation going and avoid running out of topics?
Watch Ted Talks Regularly
These 10-18 minute talks cover a wide range of topics from technology to entertainment to design to business to science to global issues and more. The talks are often fascinating and thought provoking -- and surely will give you ideas to talk about with people you meet. No time? Watch them while making breakfast or cooking dinner. The TED mobile app makes this easy.
Read Books → Real Books, Not Just Posts or Articles
Interesting reads make great conversation topics and can add to your breadth of knowledge. Schedule time in your calendar dedicated to reading - either first thing in the morning or before you go to bed works well for me. Aside from growing your brain, reading before bed is a great way to wind down the day and get away from your phone and the busy task list. Reading is almost as beneficial as meditation as it forces your brain to concentrate on one area rather the flitting between tasks. Plus, reading about a topic and getting ingrained in a subject makes you standout as an expert in something that you are passionate about. So many people today can talk about the latest thing they saw on facebook, but how many people are versed in the progression of artificial intelligence or can quote Jack Kerouac? In today’s busy world, reading can be a quadruple threat - differentiator, conversation starter, way to meditate, and the road to become an expert rather than just a “jack of all trades”
Listen to Audiobooks
Audible has quickly become one of my favorite apps. What’s one thing almost every working person has almost every day? A commute. Well, instead of listening to music in your car or browsing Instagram on the train, listen to a book! A 30-minute commute each way equates to 5 hours of “reading” per week.
Read The News
Taking 15 minutes a day to stay up to speed on the news keeps you “in the know” and provides easy topics to discuss. Daily newsletters like The Daily Skimm make this even easier. News aggregator apps like SmartNews let you bring together your favorite news sources into one place.
Do Prep Work Before Events
Before any topic-specific event, read up on the latest news on that topic. This is probably the easiest way to appear knowledgeable, engaged and in-the-know. Those tips should keep you chock full of things to talk about. However, bringing up random things can be just plain awkward if the topic is forced into the conversation. How do you transition between topics and engage the person you’re speaking with?
Look For Contextual Clues
Listen to the person when they’re speaking. Don’t just be thinking about what you’re going to say next. You can find the next topic to transition to by looking for clues and hints with what they say. Example - the person briefly mentions visiting Colorado for a conference or specifically mentions skiing in passing. That’s an opportunity to transition to skiing or Colorado.
Ask Open Ended Questions
Better yet, don’t ask yes or no questions. If the person mentions recently vacationing in Hawaii, don’t ask “Did you have a good time?”, ask “What’s your favorite part about Hawaii?” or “I’d love to go there sometime. What’s the most interesting thing you got to do?”
Let The Other Person Drive Too
Too often we feel like we are solely responsible for keeping the conversation progressing. Not only is this not the case, but in doing so we can make the other person feel trapped and want to get out. Give them the opportunity to ask questions or make topic transitions. A pause here and there isn’t a bad thing. They are likely feeling the same nervous emotions you might be, so give them a chance to be in control.
Being a great conversationalist, above all else, takes practice. You can’t simply flip on a switch and do all of these things perfectly. Practice this in your daily life, with friends, colleagues and random people you interact with. If the coffee shop is empty, chat up the barista!
6. Read These Books
While this post contains a lot of information, I recommend taking a deeper dive into the following exceptional reads. They are all well worth the time.
How To Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
- One of the most famous books on the topic that has stood the test of time for decades on end. This is a must read for anyone looking to improve social skills and EQ.
Give and Take by Adam Grant
- Fascinating analysis of the three different types of people in this world - givers, matchers and takers. Adam brilliantly dissects each and provides actionable advice on how to interact with others to achieve your goals and maximize results.
Never Eat Alone by Keith Ferrazzi
- Another staple about building relationships. Keith is a networking genius and exceptional writer, painting a vivid picture of how to approach networking.
The Art of Storytelling: From Parents to Professionals by Hannah B. Harvey
- In this lecture-based audiobook, you’ll learn the science behind storytelling. Being a great storyteller is the easiest way to engage people, from 1-on-1 conversations to large presentations. This is an important skillset to cultivate.
Let Opportunity Come To You
Imagine a future where you have a wide spectrum of great contacts and relationships, all people who are keen to be a resource and are subconsciously on the lookout for ways to help you achieve your goals. How could that impact and improve your life? What opportunities, both professional and personal, could be uncovered?
There’s a recurring theme here that you may have picked up on by now. A big idea, a concept, a maxim and mindset that sums up everything we’ve been talking about. Ready for it?
Your approach to networking shouldn’t be about you.
There it is. Simple as that. Networking should be about the other person. Go into events looking to create opportunities for others. When you do, you’ll be amazed at how quickly opportunities come your way the less you try. On top of that, you’ll notice the sense of pressure you feel on your shoulders and nervousness begin to fade away when you’re at networking events. As you approach new people, you’ll replace thinking “How can I impress this person?” with “How might I be able to help this person?” and the process will become intriguing, stimulating, and even, dare I said it, fun! Lastly, I don’t want to downplay the importance of basic social skills. They are a topic for another post, but the basics include:
Smile more and be happy (seriously, just remembering to smile more can make a world of a difference)
Make consistent eye contact (it conveys confidence and ability)
Don’t dominate the conversation (no one likes to be drowned out)
Actually listen and respond to what people say (it becomes obvious and annoying if you aren’t)
Bring energy to the conversation (no one likes people who bring down the mood)
People are your #1 asset - do not forget this. The phrase is so true that I trademarked it :). The vast majority of ALL opportunities are landed through connections, so consistently building relationships is among the single most important thing you can do in your life.
Even if you don’t “need” new connections or help “right now”, do you think there will NEVER be a time in your life where knowing more people will be harmful? Likely not. A tight network of people who you know and care about (and vice versa) makes you richer. Together you will challenge and grow to the next level. That point is important. It’s not about “needing” help, it’s about “wanting” to meet new people who are striving for more. We learn from each other. Networking is not only about you, it’s not only about them. It’s about building a strong community. And remember, to achieve your dreams, your goals, your aspirations... you must first help others achieve theirs.
Andy Fine
Andy helps people start and grow successful freelancing careers. He is an expert at helping people get clients using online methods and making things super simple to understand. If you're interested in starting your own freelancing business or scaling up and getting clients then definitely reach out and request a free strategy session today.
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